and breathe...

And relax. It is all over. I am now a married woman and have returned from our honeymoon.

The few days before the wedding went well. I picked up the cake from the Marks and Spencer and discovered there was a Range there. If you don't know this wonderful chain of shops they are fab for wedding and crafting stuff, and gardening and most other things. They sell just about everything and they are really cheap. Before picking up the cake I popped in and looked about and found the table centres I wanted! Trouble was I had already sorted out table centres as I couldn't find the birdcages I really liked for less than £35. The Range had them for £14.95! But I already had spent money on fish-bowls, mirrors, flowers and battery powered fairy lights. I couldn't justify replacing all of them, so I just bought one for my table. I also bought some extra sparkle diamonds to scatter on the tables as they were only £1 per bag.

Original cake

After my decoration

I took the cake home and changed the ivory ribbon for a burgundy one and stuck the gold marzipan seals to the outside of the cake. My cake topper was too big, but my sister had bought me a bride and groom duck for my hen party and they worked even better! So we used them instead.

Two days before the wedding I gave myself a manicure and pedicure then picked up my sister from the train station. We headed over to Cardiff on Friday 11th, the day before the big day. We stopped off at the venue and prepared the room with our decorations. Setting up the cake was the scariest part! We had put up the pillars but it looked fantastic - especially as the whole cake cost me £56 for the cake, £4 for the ribbon, £1 for the marzipan, £14 for the gold spray and £2 for the edible glue. In fact for less than £6k I am very pleased with the whole day.

This is a very precise science

After getting the room ready we had to rush off and get my final dress fitting and to pick up the dress. We also had lunch and did some shopping as we had a few hours.

After a quick stop off at the hotel to check in and change my sister and I headed over to the local Beefeater where we had a big family meal for those who had arrived already. It was nice to allow my family to meet my new family away from the wedding.

The next day we got up in time for breakfast. I stayed in my pjs and dressing gown until the last minute when I put the dress on. My cousin described me as 'the most chilled bride-to-be she has ever seen' as I just meandered about getting things done, doing my nails, my bridesmaids doing my hair, I did my make up. I think the trick to it all is to remember what is important. At the end of the day even if it poured with rain, my dress had gotten ruined or anything else had gone wrong as long as Frank, I, the registrar and two witnesses turned up we could get married. And even if that failed it is just a piece of paper - Frank and I do not need a certificate to prove to each other that we love each other! So with 15 minutes before my ride was due to arrive I popped on the dress and we went outside to wait for it.

Frank and I with out niece and nephew

The ride was the only 'luxury' expenditure - everything else was 'needed' (according to tradition) - a blue, original, split screen Vauxhall camper-van. But it was worth every penny. It really made the day special, especially as I had told Frank it was a 6 person taxi coming to get him and then the camper-van turned up! He was blown away. I have no idea how I kept that a secret and I had almost blurted it out a few times but caught myself. I am rubbish at keeping things, especially from Frank and about something I was so excited about!

The ceremony was lovely - short, which was perfect, and a bit unexpected. They said lots of nice things that I wasn't expecting, I wasn't expecting anything really, just the basic 'do you?' and the legal stuff but it was really lovely. And I kept it together, I had been worried I would spend the whole day upset that my Mum wasn't there (having passed away in 2010) and it wasn't until the registrar mentioned the candle on the table which represented her that I almost cracked - but I managed to catch myself and carry on without incident.

After the 'you are now husband and wife' and lots of photos we had some pimms as celebration drinks and then started on the social and photo 'phase' of the wedding. We only got a few photos because I wasn't sure what I wanted and I got bored very quickly so I think we ended up with a few of everyone, some of all blood relatives and their partners and some of me with bridesmaids and Frank with his grooms.

Frank's grooms were fantastic - especially his best man. They did fantastically. We did have a problem with one who decided two weeks before the wedding not to bother to come, which we found extremely disrespectful and disappointing. It wasn't like it he had a good reason either, which would be different. He just decided to waste £120 of our money (suit and food) which was all paid for and was not refundable, so I guess we lost one friend from it. I was also a bit disappointed with my side that the things I had asked to be done were either not done, or only half done. If I had felt it important enough to ask for it then ignoring it or just not bothering to do it properly seemed really disrespectful and disappointing too. Also I felt like I was fighting also every step of the way with planning and organising the wedding with some people, I would say I wanted something and was told either that I can't have it like that or would just have to out right fight to have something done in a way that was important to me. That wasn't helpful when planning your wedding. But I was very impressed with Frank's usher and Best Man - nothing was too much, if we mentioned something they were the first to jump up and do it, they found being told what we expect of them very helpful. I found myself relying on the best man for a few things, especially when we had to change the order of the cake cutting and speeches. The venue told us they needed 15 minutes to serve the cake after we cut it, so we decided to cut the cake then have the speeches and then have cake for pudding. This meant telling the venue, the speech makers, the photographer and a few other people to ensure everyone knew the new plan and the Best Man jumped up and ran about sorting it all out for us.

A few things didn't go to plan. The DJ played the wrong version of the 1st dance song I had requested - despite me being very specific. They played the original Sarah Brightman version of All I Ask of You from Phantom of the Opera rather than that 2004 film version. I found the version played too harsh and the new one is much softer tones - I actually am not keen on the original version so I was a bit disappointed. On the video my brother-in-law said he would replace the soundtrack to the one I wanted. The DJ also needed a bit of prodding at to which music to play, he played the requests but kept trying to play 'new hip' music, but soon understood my family once he started playing the cheesy music we had told him to play to start with, playing the songs with dances to them like 'Saturday Night' and 'Time Warp' which was wedding favourites of my family. He did manage to get a Blims song too - their latest one about the Wales winning the Grandslam called 'Side Steps and Side Burns' which I had requested. The Blims couldn't play at my wedding as they were busy and too expensive for my budget. I think it is too much to expect everything go 100% to plan at any wedding - I would advise to keep focused on what is important and not to get caught up in small details.

My photographer travelled down from Manchester for the wedding. He was fab - I am still awaiting the photos but the 3 he has released so far are amazing. I also started a facebook group for everyone else to upload their photos of the day to so we can all share them. Lester Walas, the photographer, was lovely and very skilled. He takes a real passion in his photos, rolling about the grass to get the right shot and also took us outside at sunset to get some extra photos. Everyone commented how nice he was as a person and he joined in the celebrations in the evening once he has filled up all his memory cards. He says he took over 2000 photos of which 1490 were viable - which is much better than my average keeping record of about 30-40%. I have been asked to take photos at my friends wedding and I have two weddings in the meantime to learn how to take great photos and practise.

Most people, including myself and Frank, had left by about 11pm and we headed to our hotel which was only 1.5miles down the road. They had let me use the honeymoon suite we had booked for the wedding night to store the wedding dress and to get ready in as it wasn't in use that night. My sister and cousin had placed petals in the room with some lovely champagne flutes with 'Mr' and 'Mrs' Brown and the date on it and some Mr & Mrs mugs which we love along with a few other bits. Frank and I enjoyed our first night together as man and wife.

After collecting all our decorations from the venue the next day and heading home Frank and I just enjoyed and evening of nothing. The next day we packed and set off for Dartmoor and a 3 hour drive to the first hotel called the Rosemont in Yelverton. I was knackered when we arrived as Frank does not yet drive. We enjoyed dinner in a local pub and had some wine and cheese in the hotel room while watching rubbish on TV. We don't watch TV at home so it was a bit of a luxury for us.

The next day, after a good breakfast, we parked the car at Princetown (where the jail and brewery is) and left it there while we went hiking for a few days. There are not many photos as my camera ran out of battery almost immanently (my fault for not checking it and Frank's fault for not bringing his after I put it out for him) we also established that walking 7 miles over difficult terrain with large packs on was a bit much for us but we managed it somehow. We walked from Princetown to Two Bridges and then onto a bridal way along to near Brown's House (ruin), we wanted to visit it but time was pushing on, I was exhausted and then I stepped in a big bog and got my socks wet, so we decided to skip it and turned east to Fernworthy Forest and the reservoir where we set up our first base camp. We got a fire going and had some fire-cooked sausages and bacon.

The next day we stuck to pathways and although it took a bit longer it was a lot easier, but even then our walk from the forest to Postbridge was challenging. We had a late lunch at a pub called the East Dart Hotel in Postbridge at about 3pm, not cheap but at that point we didn't care. We then had some lovely local ice cream and walked to the local woodland called Bellever forest. We were warned the winds can get pretty high there but we were exceptionally lucky with the weather the whole trip. We eventually found the perfect camping spot with plenty of dry firewood and a level, soft ground in the moss. It was a magical place and it was a shame my camera had died. We managed to get a fire going using just local materials and a ferro-rod, which was really exciting. We had to 'cheat' a little bit the other times using methylated spirit to get it going but for a first attempt I was really pleased that we managed to learn enough. We also tried to build a wind stop for the fire and also kept the fire going for a few hours. We went to bed by about 9.30pm and listened to the cuckoo bird be replaced by an owl - although we didn't see either. Next morning we needed to find the road and it was meant to be a short walk back to Two Bridges and then back to Princetown. It would have been except we went the wrong way first thing and managed to spend an hour walking in a big circle.

We stopped in Two Bridges for lunch - we had stopped there on the first day for tea and cakes too. We had a lovely, but very expensive, lunch and decided if we went back to Dartmoor in a few years we might try to stay here for a night as we loved the lovely rustic and old fashioned feel, filled with older couples who seemed to have been together forever and we were enchanted by the feel of it all and wanted to be one of those old couples one day with our story of 'we stopped by here twice on our honeymoon, many years ago.'

Once arriving back at Princetown we had Cream Tea at about 3pm. After stopping from our 3 days of walking I suddenly felt very sick but I then had to drive another 20 minutes south to Wotter and our finial hotel called the Moorland Hotel and Phoenix Steak House. It was a nice hotel and we could see the sea from our room. Having a shower and a sit down was lovely.

We had dinner at the steak house and I had kangaroo starter and swordfish main meal and Frank had a 16 oz rump steak. I wish I had a steak after tasting Frank's but I don't see swordfish on the menu very often. Next time I eat at a steak specialist house I will try to remember to have a steak.

The last day we set off at 10am and stopped off at Tavistock, a market town on the way home, to pick up some local produce and have lunch before my 3 hour drive home. We spent about £30 on local cheese, bread, 'fig, tomatoes and caramelised onion' relish, wild flower honey and some local Devon cider.

We finally got home at about 4pm after a few stops and breaks. Frank ran me a bath and we enjoyed our local products for dinner while watching BBC iPlayer together. It is good to be home. Today I have to go to Cardiff for a hen party and a wedding next weekend and another the weekend after.

I don't think being married will change anything. We just get to giggle at calling each other 'husband' and 'wife' instead of partner. Now we can get on with our lives and start looking for a house to buy, then everything will change for real.

9 Days to go... till it is all over.

It will all be over soon. Everything is under control. Just need to pick the cake up and decorate it on Tuesday then relax and pamper myself for a few days before the wedding.

I've made a few more bits for the wedding which I will go more into details with my 'GARB's Makes' blog. It is all coming together and I am looking forward to the things we have planned afterwards. The wedding has rather gotten in the way the last few months. Always 'I will do that after the wedding.' I have also been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. Frank and I have considered what the meaning of 'success' and 'happiness' is and have decided the society view of this isn't for us. We are going to try a few things out after the wedding and see how we get along.

I don't really want to go into too much detail about the wedding. At the end of the day it is full of people and family. Anyone who has tried to organise something like this will know some of the things I am going through and those who haven't - good luck!

I have learnt a lot about myself in the last few weeks because of the wedding and my own thoughts. What is important and what is not and about the person I want to be and how to achieve that. After the wedding I plan to make some changes to my life to help become that person. I am thankful to those people who understand what I am going through and who understand me. Without them I would not have the strength to stand up and do what is important to me, nor the courage. I would be lost and alone, I feel very isolated even with my true friends standing by me.

After the wedding I might go into more details, but lets get one big event out of the way first. I have written a lot of stuff down but I don't feel ready to release it yet, I only have so much courage to be myself. Especially with seeing all my family next week.

So what else have I been up to since my last update? reaching for her diary.

I touched a taranchula! I am trying to teach myself to be less afraid of spiders and it seems to be working. I have been working on it for a while now but I had the opportunity to stroke one at a show near my place of work. They are very velvety and kinda cool. I bet house spiders don't feel that nice! But afterwards I was much better with them, I didn't think it would help that much. I even picked up a spider (larger than I am traditionally comfortable with) and moved him about when I was washing up a few days later - he scared me and I was worried I had crushed him and he entertained me by running round and round, going down to the sink and realising it was wet trying to get back up the lip of the windowsill and needed help each time. And then once on the windowsill he decided he didn't like that, so we went back down again to the water! Silly spider.

I had the weekend off last week for my Hen Party. I was panicking about getting everything done for the wedding on top of cleaning the house for people to come and stay the night but Frank stepped in. He tidied the whole house (which was mostly my mess!), cleaned everything before making me dinner AND cookies! Suddenly I was glad I was marrying him. Not that I wasn't please before but this really rubbed it in. He knew it was important to me to make a good impression but that I had too much on with payments and sorting details out for the day so he stepped in. He has also helped make some of the wedding related things, such as the table centres.

As I just mentioned I had my Hen Party on the 25th April. My sister and cousin, who are my bridesmaids, came over and played about with my hair, we now have a plan for it. Just a simple bun with flowers in it but I wanted to keep it all simple but effective. The Hen Party was very successful! We had 6 people for the day and evening, but one person swapped out with another. Everyone arrived at mine for 12pm and we set off to the local weatherspoons for lunch. Once we had finished we strolled down to the train station and got off to arrive just in time for 3pm at Neal's Yard for our cosmetic making workshop.

A few people had a some concerns about my choice of event for my Hen Party but afterwards many of them commented how much fun it was and that they might even consider doing something similar! I wanted something a bit different that was fun and we could all enjoy. The last thing I wanted was to be that annoying hen party who are wearing silly outfits, very drunk and far too loud. I mean, if that is what you want for your hen party that is fair enough. But that isn't what I wanted. I wanted something simple and sophisticated. Something I would enjoy with my friends that I wouldn't have gotten an opportunity to do under any other pretext.

We made several potions including a lotion, foamer, salt scrub and bath oil. There was red and white wine, cake and soft drinks in addition to all the free sample and 15% off in the shop! For £15 a head it was a fabulous and, in my opinion, excellent value for money. The girls were lovely and helpful, especially Zoey who ran the workshop and organised it all for us. I then spent a bit of money on a new book to make more stuff once I was home - an excellent book called Neal's Yard Cook, Brew, and Blend Your Own Herbs. I have already used the broccoli and rosemary salad recipe (p232) twice and felt fantastic afterwards!

Once we had finished playing in their shop we wandered off in the direction of ZaZa Bazaar, the restaurant of choice for the night, stopping off along the way for some cocktails and a sit down. We arrived at the restaurant at the perfect time for our booked table. We said goodbye to one of us and were joined by my soon to be mother-in-law for the rest of the evening.

ZaZa Bazaar is an all you can eat restaurant with kiosk type counters in the middle of the room for each type of food. The idea is to find a stack of plates and start there, then go round the kiosk for a flavour of the orient or america or even just fish and chips! Being all you can eat you can go round and round, it was fun to see my friends saying 'We just went to China!' on returning with a plate full of Peking duck. I wanted to go somewhere with a set price as it makes life so much easier when the bill arrives with a group of friends. Instead of the normal 'there isn't enough money in the pot' that often happens there was actually more than we needed! It worked out beautifully. Frank and I even went back to ZaZa's a few days later with a friend who couldn't make it to the Hen Party and I wanted to show it to Frank.

Naturally despite me repeating several times that I did not want any stupid outfits my sister kindly bought me some wings and a hat (along with other things). She said it was a requirement of a Hen Party and was at least vaguely tasteful (as in it wasn't penis). I wore it for about 10 minutes during the meal, which was 10 minutes more than I wanted. It was kind of her to try and was thoughtful of her to get everyone something for the night to play with. After the meal the small section of charades games that was in the packs were very popular while in the pub. We then bought some more wine and took a taxi back to mine to watch Phantom of the Opera before half of their lifts arrived.

The next day I made pancakes for breakfast. It was a good night and I was pleased with the relaxed pace of the day, we didn't rush anywhere and everyone seemed to have a good time. A very successful event, just hope the wedding goes as smoothly.

Getting there

Only a few things left to go for the wedding, which is just as well as there is only about a month left before the big day. I have been busy and got a lot done. My veil is done, with weights in it and everything, I'm not going to show how I made it on my Makes because I wasn't really sure what I was doing and it took a bit of 'fudging'. I also finished the cake topper, again no Makes on that because it was a bought pattern and all I did was add a different veil.

Mostly with my days off I have been crafting or doing wedding stuff. On the 25nd March my Father met Frank's family for the first time. Only 6 weeks till the wedding so we thought it was about it. I drove so Dad could have a drink, which he did and got rather merry. I felt they all got along really well. My 7 year old niece kept calling my Dad all sorts of odd names because she kept forgetting his name! My dad and Frank's dad got along really well too, they chatted for ages. Frank's family made a great impression too, they provided some welsh lamb, welsh waffles and even some welsh whiskey, which my Dad loves! I felt it was a great success and I am looking forward to joining our two families at my wedding.

The day after my Dad left early and as it was a nice day Frank and I decided to go for a walk along the river. There is a pub about an hour and a half walk from our home. It was a hot day and I was really looking forward to a slush-puppy cider and a ploughman. We left to ensure we got there before 3pm as that was when I thought they stopped doing food. But turns out that is at 2.30pm and we were 10 minutes too late. So I said we would have a cider while we work out what we will do and pointed to the tap that stated 'frozen Thachers Gold'. The lady poured two pints and as they were just normal pints I commented I thought they came frozen. The lady sneered and said I didn't ask for that and I pointed out it says it on the tap so I just assumed they came like that. I wasn't impressed with her attitude to be honest and it got me a bit riled up, my attempt at Stoic Indifference went out the window as I felt it was just a miss communication and the woman should have asked as I didn't know any better. I was already a bit annoyed at myself for not knowing the time of their lunch. So after out pint and a chat with a gentleman on a long hike we decided to have dinner at the Harvester which was only another 30 minute walk and was a welcome after the disappointing pub.

I am trying to work on learning stoic indifference - where if you can't control the situation then you don't worry about it. Trouble with the cider incident I felt I should have been able to control it if there was just better service and communication, I felt that assuming the fact the tap stated 'frozen' meant that is how it came. But I guess it is just a learning curve. It was a lovely walk and I enjoyed the meal even better when we got there.

My next day off I had a free workshop with Lush to make a blueberry face pack. I got it through a Clipper Green tea pack. It was just me on the workshop and was great fun being pampered with different Lush products and making the face pack. I got a load of free products and testers. I already use a lot of Lush products, my solid shampoo, conditioner and my body wash are all Lush products and I will also use their colour supplements as concealer and foundation for my wedding. I always find their products really high quality although they are not cheap they do last a long time Those of you who have seen my 'Your life your line: Animal testing on cosmetics' would know that I do try to avoid cosmetics tested on animals, although you can't always manage it as I do believe in finding viable alternatives and sometimes there just aren't any. But if there is a non tested on animal products that is a similar price, quality and availability then I will always go for the non animal option.

After my cosmetic workshop I had lunch at Yo Sushi - one of my favourite places to eat. Frank doesn't like it so I go when I can on my own, I have always found someone to talk to because they seat you with strangers. I can often manage to eat my fill for about £10, although it isn't cheap I do like to eat out. That is probably where most of my money goes (when I don't have my eye on a new lens or more fabric!).

Frank and I don't go out too often but when we do we normally eat at a Weatherspoon and don't stay out long. On the 31st it was Frank's work friends had some drinks. Frank and I tried Weatherspoon's new menu and I enjoyed my burger and cider. I was really tired and we didn't stay out long at all, I had a cold developing and it had taken a lot out of me.

On Wednesday 4th Frank and I visited some friends who live locally to us. We really should visit more friends more often but finding time is always a problem. I hope one day we will have more time to spend with our friends and family as I think they are the most important thing in the world. They fed us some curry and it was really good. They are trying to decorate their house and I hope Frank and I can find time to help them out with it.

On Thursday 5th Frank and I woke early to get into town for breakfast. We managed to get to a Weatherspoon by 10am after I spent a bit of time taking photos on the way. We wanted to see the ten Leonardo Da Vinci's notebooks pages that are currently in the Bristol Museum and then went about the museum itself. The notebook pages are well worth seeing, it was interesting to see pages over 500 years old and what he choose to draw and scribble. It was odd to see things that he probably thought were just rough scribbles and not worth anything, also some of the things we have lost like the paper it was made from are not wood bases but cloth and animal based which is why they have lasted so long.

I took tonnes of photos, which I haven't gone through yet, about the museum and hope to be able to draw some of the things I took photos of, including a load of animals they had. I was feeling a bit ill by this time though as my cold had developed. I really suffered with that cold and felt very tired for a few days. After the museum we walked home via a new crafting shop and the garden centre where I bought some stuff for the wedding, which was a nightmare to carry home but was worth it.

Although it was Easter and there was a few bank holidays I only got Easter Sunday off. I spent the whole day making a practise quilt for a design I want to make a king size quilt for. I not only tried the new design but tried out the 'quilt as you go' technique in which you make mini quilts and sew them together. I did well but it still isn't finished. It is nearly done but I still have a few more nights of work to do. The pattern actually makes two quilts, I sewed the other topping patchwork together today but I need some more wadding before I can get any further.

Yesterday I drove over to the wedding venue for a meeting to work out the details of the wedding day. It was very useful and I have a few more things to get done before the wedding. I picked the food and drinks to be served when and how and went through the plan for the day. Just waiting for the invoice now.

Today I spent the whole day working on my quilts. I did get a bit upset at one point though. It is just the whole wedding thing, I just feel it has all gotten out of control. What I mean is my original idea was very small and simple, although I didn't sit down and work it all out I knew I just wanted something really simple, cheap and cosy with all my friends and family. Instead I have a full blown, all singing wedding that I am worried is going to be like every other wedding. I even have chair covers which is a big deal to me as I really didn't want them, but after the venue and getting the decorations and now I have a big dress it was silly to have those horrible chairs in the new venue. I did want it all in one room before but it was suggested it was too small so we are having the ceremony in one room and the dinner and party in the other. I was originally not going to have a sit down meal, but let people walk about and have finger food. But now we have a big sit down meal with all the trimmings and speeches. This all happened because I listen to other people too much and didn't have a clear enough idea of what I wanted to start with. Now I have a big do, which I am sure will be lovely on the day and I hope I have a great time. But it is all so unnecessary, a big amount of money that wasn't needed and I just feel a bit disappointed in myself, like I am a bit of a sell out because I did what I thought would make others happy and just did what everyone else does and didn't listen to myself or work out what I wanted and stick to it enough. So now I have chair covers, a big cake, a big dress, tonnes of decorations and a seating plan. It will look great and I hope everyone will have a great time, at the end of the day non of it matters. I love Frank, he loves me and this is a celebration of us joining each others' family and working towards making our own little family one day. That is all I have to remember on the day. But then I could wear a bin bag and that wouldn't matter.

My hen party next week. Going to make some cosmetics at Neil's Yard before an all you can eat dinner and then off to the pub.

My week off

Just had a lovely 10 day holiday from work. Got tonnes of stuff done for the wedding, really getting it all together now. I've got the invites finished and posted and now I am awaiting my RSVPs.

My bridesmaids and I visited my wedding venue on the 10th March to make notes on what decoration is needed. I didn't think we needed anything but they both insisted we need to do something, so we agreed some fairy lights wrapped about the venue here and there would be really pretty. We did come up with a few other ideas but I wanted to keep it simple and cheap. This isn't really my wedding, this is the wedding for my family and friends. What I wanted would have upset too many people. It will be a lovely day and I'm sure I will be pleased with it all on the day, but it just isn't want I wanted. I didn't want a big dress, cake or tonnes of fuss. I just wanted Frank and I to get married with our immediate families and then go out to a nice place for dinner, no fuss just a lovely social day. Instead I am working through requests from guests for additional invites and others wanting this or that, I didn't want this fuss. Why is it so important to people? Frank and I love each other, spending the deposit of a house on one day isn't going to change that. But we have the big dress and cake and now I need to finish what I started and get all the other small details in place.

We had dinner that night at the Harvester in Newport on the way home, which was really nice. I like the Harvester because I find them excellent value for money and you get all you can eat salad and all you can drink pop. My cousin then drove off back home while my sister and my nephew stayed the night. The three of us went to Ikea and got a load of stuff for the wedding, including the guest signature frame and some ideas for the table centres and other decoration. I need to go back closer to the time to buy some of the bits we didn't want to get on this trip. I have also finished my veil and the cake topper, I ordered the cake, got my wedding ring back, bought the underwear (which was more expensive than the cake!) and even went back to Cardiff on the Friday with my soon to be sister-in-law and had my wedding dress fitting. I was really worried I would get really upset while wearing the dress because my Mum won't see me in it, but I was ok and didn't get upset. The dress is amazing and does look fantastic, but I still feel guilty over a silly bit of fabric that cost £650 after the fitting that I will only wear once. 'But it's your wedding day' people keep telling me... but I'm still not convinced.

During my time off I also got my car fixed and visited my family in Cardiff for dinner. It was really nice to have that time off work and I really didn't want to go back to work. I still have a lot to do for the wedding, mostly make some payments to different people and do some little things like the ceremony music. The only things left to make is the decoration for the cake. I have ordered a plain cake and plan to add some ribbon and some other decoration to it.

In the week off I also got a response for a job I had applied for. I went to a big interview day a month before and they gave me an answer... they said maybe. They said they I passed but they currently do not have a position available for me and they will get back to me in April with an update. So I have a job that doesn't exist. I guess I will just have to sit tight and wait and see what happens.

Throughout the last month or so I have been doing a lot of research for Comic Hideout and also practised a bit of drawing skills. I found an excellent website to help me along with that. I also came across some interesting ideas and have been studying Stoicism. It has really hit a nerve with me as it highlights the need for virtuous morals (something I have believed in for a very long time) and combined with an indifference for things you can not control. If you can't control it, why are you worried, stressed or complaining about it? If you can control it, then do something about it and stop worrying, stresses or complaining about it! I have also added a 'maybe' for things you can't control at present but might be able to if you tweak something or a situation changes. I can now accept other people's behaviour and ideas better with this concept. I can't control how they think or act, they are them and I am me. I don't have to agree with it, I don't have to copy them but know that I would do something different in their place but I can't control them so just accept it and move on. Acceptance is not the same as not caring or approving of a situation, just that it is not within your control to change - it is within someone else's control and it is up to them to change it, you can make suggestions, ask or highlight ideas but you can not force your control over them.

I will continue to see how this works and see where this leads me.

Invites, invites, invites

Most of the last month has been spent working on the wedding invites trying to get them all finished. They are hard going and a bit boring to make. I only managed to get Frank to help last night and today but I am down to the final hurdle and hope to send as many of them off as I have addresses for soon.

I did take a break from the invites to do some research and practise for a job interview I had. I left work on Sunday 19th and drove to Milton Keynes. It was really hard work as I had been at work most of the day and it was a fair drive. There was an accident on the M4 a mile and a half from the junction I needed to come off at. It must have been a big crash as I sat there with my engine off for about 30 minutes while two fire engines and several unmarked and marked police cars drove down the hard shoulder. I hope no one was badly hurt but I was a little bit grateful for the rest. I managed to get my Ipod to play some music, as my car has no stereo or radio it was nice to listen to some music the rest of the way. The 2 hour journey took me 3 hours in the end, and my sat nav took me a really odd way round the back of Newport Pagnell. I had joked with Frank that my Dad would feed me a pot noodle when I arrived and I wasn't far wrong! It was odd that I was in my old home town for a job interview for a job in Bristol! But it was nice to see my Dad and my old haunts.

On the Monday Dad dropped me off in the city centre. If you know MK you know it consists of lots of roundabouts and a big shopping centre. I wondered about the shops for a few hours checking out what was different and what hadn't changed in the 7 years since my last visit to the shops (I have been to MK and Newport but not round the shopping centre). I was hoping to have lunch with an old mate of mine but he was too busy. Instead I made a new friend at the cake making stall and we just chatted for ages! We even had lunch together at Yo Sushi! It is nice to make new friends and we are now talking on facebook too.

After my nice day of wondering about Dad picked me up and we had some dinner. We then went out to a Hash House Harrier (HHH) run. It all got a bit confusing and we got split up and lost but we made it back to the pub in the end. I got a down down in cider for being a returner (my hash name is Dewey if your into such things) and Dad got a down down for misdirecting the hash to a unregistered beer stop (being our family house which was not far from the set route!). It was a good night and I had some nice conversations with some new people and didn't get too drunk.

Tuesday was the day of reckoning and I woke at 6am to get myself ready to leave the house at 7.30 am for an 8am start at the interview. It was hard going, several tasks, an interview and a test. It finished at 3pm and I was glad I had another day off work to recover and I wasn't up to driving home after that! Instead Dad took me out to dinner and I left early the next morning after dropping Dad off at the coach station as he was off on his travels again. I think the whole interview went well, I am pleased with my attempt and couldn't have done much better so now it is just up to Fate to if I was good enough. Only time will tell and I won't know till the end of March.

On getting home Frank had cleaned the whole house so I thought it would be nice to appreciate him with cupcakes. I bought the bits but couldn't get any baking powder. The internet said using bicarbonate of soda would be ok, but it wasn't. They were bitter and inedible. At least I got some practise with cake decorating but it was a bit disappointing.

After swapping a few days off at work I didn't get a day off till the next Thursday and Friday. After some more invitations I edited some photos ready for another project and made some cookies to make up for my failed cupcakes and for our friends who were coming to dinner the next night.

Frank and I both had Friday off and we went to Gloucester Road for lunch with one set of friends. We ate in the Cider Press (formally the Rising Sun) and tried a few of their ciders. We looked at the shops. It is meant to be the longest road for independent shops in the UK or something. I was looking out for a 1950s style dress for the up coming weddings we have been invited too, we have 3 weddings in addition to our own this year! Three of which in May/June. We had a fantastic day, between our lunch and dinner mates it was a great day. We bought some coke on the way home and didn't need any alcohol with our dinner and just chatted. I hope we can do that more often.

My next day off isn't till Friday now, but then I have 10 days off to try to get tonnes of stuff sorted in. Need to book the car in for the timer chain to be changed, get my dress fitted and spend some time with my bridesmaids to work out more wedding stuff and see the venue and get some ideas for decor. I hope to have the invites finished and sent off before then so I can get on with the cake toppers and veil.

Wedding Panic!

While at work the other week my colleagues turned to me and said 'oh it isn't long till your wedding now is it? What about four months?' Which kinda made me have a panicked phone call to my sister going 'help!' So she managed to pop over for a weekend, which was excellent and really helped get a bit of perspective on the whole thing and helped me organise my thoughts a lot. My nephew got to help too by bringing comic relief.

We went through everything and made sure I was on track, set me a few tasks to concentrate on and just helped me get back to bringing it all together after my Christmas 'I'll wait till after Xmas before the wedding stuff' and now there is only 3 months left! So I have booked a DJ, talked to the venue with some questions, thought about the table centres and got a quote for my ring to be resized. I have also made a start on my veil and in the process of painting the seals for the stationary.

It was Frank's birthday that weekend but we celebrated it a day late with a lunch at Nandos with Frank's best mate (and best man) and his partner. My sister left, taking my little nephew with her, and the rest of us got to have a look at some make up, usher outfits and made a start on our wedding list.

I have gotten some contact lenses which I have been wearing every day since I got them. I do like them and Frank is used to me in them now. I have also made a break through with the make up! I made ONE stipulation when I started this process with regards to my make up – I want it to NOT BE TESTED ON ANIMALS. When I said this I kind of assumed it would be really easy. But. It isn't. It really isn't. It really isn't to the point I made a YouTube video demonstrating how hard it is due to the different definitions of 'not tested on animals' which has been twisted to suit what ever the make up company manufacture likes, for example 'we do not test our products on animals' can mean several things. THEY do not do the testing, but someone else might. The final product might not be tested, but every single ingredient up to the final mix could be tested and so on. Then you have the other problem of who owns whom. Just because a company gives the impression they are great doesn't mean the people who end up with your money are. For example The Body Shop which was bought by L'Oreal in 2006, Nestle own a large number of shares in L'Oreal so The Body Shop's profits basically go to Nestle – who I am boycotting due to the whole 'they kill babies' thing. So not as easy as I first thought but I am much wiser after doing my research. So I will only use products with a Fixed Cut Off Date (not a ROLLING Fixed Cut Off Date, which is different again!). After must research and testing I think I have chosen my make up to buy for my wedding! It consists of the primer, finishing powder, nail varnish and perfume from Marks & Spencer – who have excellent policies on animal testing and the environment on top of amazing value for money for quality, foundation and concealer from Lush after testing it and being very pleased with the cover and last. I am finishing it all off with some expensive but lovely colours from Urban Decay, with the lipstick, blusher, eye primer, eye shadow, spray to keep it all on and very waterproof mascara. I'm just going to keep it simple and hope it looks great.

We are also playing with some ideas for the table centres. I would like it based on the elements, so fire will probably be a candle, scented for 'air,' water will be involved somehow, stones in the bottom for 'earth' and something for 'spirit' for which we have a few ideas, some using flowers and others using fish. I'll get back to you on that one but I am sure they will look fab.

Still got some details to work on, dress fittings, finishing the stationary and posting the invites off, sorting the veil and so forth but I am getting there.

Days off together

Frank and I had a rare day off together last week so I suggested we had a look at Clifton Village for a day out. My work colleagues had suggested it is worth seeing and to take a look at the gorge while there. I was getting excited about being able to spend the day with Frank actually doing something. We are both so independent that normally on days off we share we just end up doing our own thing so it was nice to plan something. I might put together a list of things to see in the local area for us to visit when we do have time off together, trouble is it often mounts up in costs so I will have to balance it out with what we can afford and actually getting out of the house.

I was looking forward to it until Frank decided he needed to get up at 5am on his day off and go into work for a few hours to finish off some cleaning for their inspection or something. It was a bit annoying but he did promise to be home within a few hours. However he did wake me up and I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up at 6am. Frank suggested I meet him somewhere but we decided it would be a lot easier and less stressful if he just came home and had a cup of tea before we head out again together. I checked the train times and we headed out just after 11am in the end. But the internet had lied to me and we managed to get on the wrong train! Luckily the conductor told us in time and we got off at the next station and caught the right train but I was very confused as I had checked the train times to get to Clifton Down from out local station. At least it all worked out ok in the end.

We got off the train and walked along till we found the suspension bridge across the gorge. I had taken my DSLR with me, but in the end I only used my compact camera. I did take some Sweep Panaramoric photos too (a Sony feature on their new cameras) but I could either expose for the sky or the bridge. I was thinking of merging them but I haven't been successful with the attempts I have made so far. I haven't really put much effort into it though. I might have another go later. The view and the bridge are very impressive so I would recommend seeing it if your in the area. It doesn't look that photogenic when there but I was very pleasantly surprised how well the photos came out. I have seen a lot of really good photos of the bridge but I just took a few snaps while there, nothing impressive.

We moved on and found a lovely pub called The Mall on the road of the same name. It was offering two meals for £15 including drinks and being hungry we decided to give it a try. The pub was lovely inside, I even took a few photos to start an inspiration folder on my pc for when Frank and I buy a place of our own and want to redecorate. I have a few ideas and colours in mind already for different rooms. I might elaborate in my 'GARB's Makes' blog sometime. We ordered a steak and ale pie and a beefburger for us both to share as neither was sure what to get from the lovely choice. The food was lovely but I couldn't work out what they had done to the steak and ale pie, it was nice but had a funny taste. I was sure I could taste red wine in it but that didn't make sense. We asked which ale they had used to get such a unique flavour and they told us they had run out of steak and ale and had served us venison and red wine instead! It was lovely but because it wasn't what I was expecting it tasted odd, had I known and expected a different taste I would have enjoyed it more. It was still lovely and I was pleased I could identify the red wine in the pie. I am trying to learn to cook better and being able to work out ingredients in others meals helps to understand flavours and how to pull a dish together.

After lunch we checked out the village. I think we missed some of it because it wasn't very big, we only found one major road but I heard afterwards there are a few roads to see but unless you know where they are they are hard to find. We wondered along the river and found ourselves at the S.S. Great Britain. We decided it was too expensive to go in on that day but it is on our list of things to see sometime, when we are feeling a bit richer. The tickets allow you to return as many times as you like over the next year so it is good value for money if you go a few times. I want to take my camera there and take a few photos and I have also heard it is haunted which could be exciting. Frank and I are both interested in ghosts and the paranormal, we like to watch a few programmes like Ghost Hunters, Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files and Paranormal Witness. We prefer the ones where they try to debunk the ghost stories like TAPS do in Ghost Hunters and they don't try too hard. I really dislike Most Haunted, I tried watching the episode with the S.S. Great Britain in it but Frank made me turn it off because I spent half the episode yelling things like 'stop showing your face all the time, I don't care about that I want to see the ghosts! and stop screaming, it isn't helpful!' also the fact they use mediums who are (and have been proven) to be fake really doesn't help the series.

Instead of the ship we visited MShed, which is free to go in. I took a lot of photos and ran about like a loon while Frank read just about everything he could find. We didn't stay too long, it was fun and it has lots of stuff to see but we got a bit tired after our day and walked home.

We need to take down our Xmas tree soon. We might do it today or tomorrow but we have been saying that for a week now. My sister did put up some videos of my family opening the Xmas presents I made for them. It was great to see and put a smile on my face - they all seemed to really like everything.

I have also started my jogging again, I have been twice this week so far and really should try to do a run tomorrow too, but I might do it on Saturday on my way home from work instead as that is easier for me. I also bought loads of fruit at work and have been snacking on that instead of sweets. I do find when I jog I get really hungry all the time -  like I just want to eat all the time. So I have been eating a lot more fruit to try to keep the hunger at bay. Although I did eat a lot of cheese and crackers when I got home the other night which rather ruined the whole trying to be healthy thing. Nothing wrong with treating yourself and eating cheese, but not half a block! I am just trying to tone up and loss a tiny bit of weight so I look a bit better. I am healthy and there is nothing wrong with my body or weight but there is nothing wrong with trying to be a bit healthier and getting my heart pumping a bit.

Last night Frank and I went on an impromptu trip to the cinema to see Sherlock Holmes 2: Game of Shadows. It was Orange Wednesday and the showing was in half and hour, so we grab some dinner from Sainsbury and went to see it! Even better, it wasn't in 3D. If it had been we probably wouldn't have gone because we don't like 3D films and like paying extra and then more for the glasses we forgot even less! Even then it was £8.10 for the two of us, not forgetting we had BOGOF! We will probably never go to the cinema without our Orange Wednesday because it is just too expensive - and I complain about this every time I go! They wonder why so many people download films, it is because they price themselves out of the market!

My mates at work pointed out my wedding is only about 4 months away now. So now I am panicking as I have tonnes more to organise for it and less time to plan it all in! So my sister is coming over next weekend to go through a few things and hopefully get it all on track and sorted and ensuring I haven't missed anything important. I need to get my first fitting done on the wedding dress but I just found the receipt for it and it said I can't have a weekend fitting, so my sister can't come and support me for that. I am worried I will be a bit emotional as my Mum will not see me in my wedding dress and that was really important to me. I will have to round up some moral support and get that sorted soon though. I have at lest sorted out some contact lenses for myself, I am on a trial period for them at the moment and they seem ok so far. Just need my eyes to stop itching and get used to them! Also need to start work on the invitations, I think that is probably the biggest thing to make at the moment. Wish my Mum was still about to help with it all!